by: Carole L. Haines
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. 2 And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:1-2 NASB)
I can’t remember the last time I felt truly “Real.” My thoughts venture back to childhood and the days of playing with my sisters and friends in the neighborhood around our home. Nights spent sitting under the streetlights of Baltimore, listening to tales spun and local lore. I was real then. Dodgeball in the middle of the road because so few cars ventured down this side street. I was real then. My mind leaps forward into college and the days I led the IVCF chapter on my college campus. High School had been brutal, and it was refreshing to start over in a new place with new people. I was real then too.
Yet there has been a haunting sense of betrayal to myself in my adult life. This tyrant of conformity, to a norm that I now know never existed. For with God there is no norm, just relationship and fellowship and growing. But subtly I felt myself being asked to diminish for the sake of others. Don’t be so pretty, you’ll be a threat. Don’t sing so loudly, people will think you are showing off instead of worshipping. Don’t write so whimsically, you need to be more serious, focused on more important topics.
All this killed me slowly inside, like the death of a thousand cuts. I found myself slowly bleeding out, conforming to the expectations of others, instead of becoming more and more who God created me to be. I became lost and sad and lonely. I had forgotten who I was and become a shell, a hollow white chocolate easter bunny, empty inside, a lot of air.
This happened to me while trying to fit in at High School, not so much in college. Yet the most painful place of diminishing was thrust upon me by a group who was supposed to be safe, the Body of Christ, especially those I will call, ‘the Church Ladies.’ Not all the Body was rejecting of who I was. But far more hurtful encounters than safe ones. God usually sent me safe people within the Body, but the Church soon grew to feel like a place to run from instead of running to.
I would never quit Jesus, He was everything to me. But I almost quit the church. I did not go to church for almost a year, the pain was so great. Yet God was doing a work in me of cleansing and purging, a work of purifying and pruning, refining me in the fire of His choosing.
My favorite children’s story is The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams. It is a story of uniqueness, trying to fit in, losing oneself, being found again and becoming real. If you haven’t read it, I highly recommend it. I wrote a poem about it, and my youngest son’s childhood stuffed bear. Let me share it here. It won’t make much sense unless you are familiar with the Velveteen Rabbit story, but here goes:
Love me, Real, Lord
By: Carole L. Haines
Worn and tattered, fur is fading, his nose is gone, eyes are dim
Little Bearly still looks contented, sparkling always with a grin
Carried to each breakfast table, loved and squeezed all through the night
Bearly’s tattered fur and dim lit eyes are from a love that holds him tight.
And as I’m held within the arms of my Heavenly Father’s care
I, too, will never stay the same, but will myself become a changed little bear
So, Love me deeply, Dearest Lord, as I’m fading day by day
As my eyes grow dim from use, as my body bends with care
Lift my face to always gaze upon Your Holy, Loving Face
And Love me real, Lord, Love me real, as the Rabbit Velveteen
Love me real, Lord, Love me real as Cody’s little Bearly seems
No matter what it takes, My Jesus, Broken, bruised or worn and frayed.
Love me real, Lord, love me real and let me be Your work displayed. I am being loved real by Jesus, as the Rabbit Velveteen was loved real by his little boy, and as my Cody loved his Bearly Bear. I am learning to let go of the conformity to worldly, and even churchly norms, and just become who God made me to be. May you rest in Jesus as He loves you real too.
hisshadowings.com 