Core of Fear

by: Carole L. Haines
(Photo by: B. N. Haines)

“Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.” (1 Thessalonians 5:23-24) 

 “Your whole spirit….” The great, mysterious work of the Holy Spirit is in the deep recesses of our being which we cannot reach. Read Psalm 139. The psalmist implies— “O Lord, You are the God of the early mornings, the God of the late nights, the God of the mountain peaks, and the God of the sea. But, my God, my soul has horizons further away than those of early mornings, deeper darkness than the nights of earth, higher peaks than any mountain peaks, greater depths than any sea in nature. You who are the God of all these, be my God. I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot discover; dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me.”  
(Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, January 8th

Solitude and Silence are precious commodities that I have been given a large dose of. Partly through my Social Anxiety Disorder, some through having been a stay-at-home, homeschooling parent. But also, God just seems to call me to those places through life circumstances, like the one I am in now. Having retired from my last job, of almost 7 years, and in a waiting room of what He has for me next.  

These waiting rooms can be both exciting and fear-inducing. Loss of income, but increased time to sit and listen, build and focus on my relationship with God. There’s a fair amount of trust required in these times of in-between-ness. But so much time in our lives is actually spent in waiting rooms. As children, waiting for buses, for practice, for school bells and alarm clocks. Waiting for Christmas and birthdays, vacations and summer breaks. 

As we grow up we wait for friends, for end of games, practice drop-off and pick-ups. We wait for the High School Graduation. College or not, we get to the point where we want to move into the next phase. Waiting for direction about a life vocation. Questions come in the waiting. Will I get married, if so to whom? Do we want children, how many? (If you’re like my Sweet husband and I, these are gifted to you, mostly unplanned.) 

Waiting, watching, hoping, faltering, despairing, believing again. All of these are a part of the waiting process. In facing the fact that my core, at this point, seems to be fear, waiting is not usually a pleasant experience for me. It is an agony at times. I want that to: 

“I cannot reach to the heights or to the depths; there are motives I cannot discover; dreams I cannot realize. My God, search me.”  
(O. Chambers) 

Beloved Savior, walk with me, come and take my hand. Reach down into my Core and transform that Core of Fear to one where Your Love is my innermost being. A transformation so radical, that it’s only explainable as a miracle from You, Precious God. Amen! 

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