Tryin’ to leave somethin’ behind


by: carole l. haines

Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us. None can compare with you; were I to speak and tell of your deeds, they would be too many to declare.

Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—but my ears you have opened— burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require. Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—it is written about me in the scroll. I desire to do your will, my God; your law is within my heart.” (Psalm 40:5-8 NASB)

I wasn’t going to write this particular post, I felt it would be too personal, too vulnerable. But then I realized that this is exactly what God has called me to do, be vulnerable, get personal, so here goes.  There have been several adventures that I have taken in my life, stepping out in faith, trying to do God’s work.  Some of them have failed miserably.  The latest one broke my heart almost completely, and really let the wind out of my sails.  In the process of trying to grieve and move on from yet “another failure,” I happened to hear the lyrics of a song at the end of a movie, that really hit the core of what this whole struggle has been about, for me personally. The artist is Sean Rowe, the song is called, “Just trying to leave something behind.” As I listened to that chorus over and over, I realized that is exactly what my motivation has been in all these ventures.  I just want my life to matter somehow, to have meaning, to count. But I am discovering that even good intentions like, “Making my life count for something,” can be an idol.    God is the only one who can make my life count, who can give meaning to this madness, who can enable me to “leave something behind.”
My call is to relinquish my life, to let it go, and all that I thought I would be.  This has been a long, hard road for me. Perhaps it’s because I’m a middle child, overshadowed by more talented, more gifted siblings.  Only God knows, but I have been driven to make my life mean something, to make my voice heard,  since I was a child. But God hears me, and that is truly enough.  God once asked me, in His gentle, quiet way, “who’s kingdom are we building here, Carole? Yours or mine?  OUCH! But  how true; my call is to relinquish and surrender to a greater cause, a bigger purpose than my own meaning.
So, Yes, I am trying to leave something behind, but I am powerless to do so, apart from God.  His Word declares:

I will cry to God Most High, To God who accomplishes all things for me.
(Psalm 57:2 NASB)
The Lord will accomplish what concerns me; Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting; Do not forsake the works of Your hands. (Psalm 138:8 NASB)

Sacrifice and offering God does not desire, according to the verses first quoted above, just a desire to do His Will, whatever that will is.  Only God can do His Great work in and through us.  He is the vine, we are mere branches, one of many (John 15).
I hear You, O God, and I surrender all my life, my dashed dreams, hopes, desires, and aspirations to You.  I lay them this morning on the Altar of Your Love, and trust You only, to give my life meaning.  All praise to the God who accomplishes all things for me.


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3 thoughts on “Tryin’ to leave somethin’ behind

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  3. Thank you for following the Lord’s prompting and sharing this. However, I disagree in what you say about “more gifted siblings” in that each one of you is gifted in very unique
    ways. Your order of birth was also God’s plan as was His timing. My prayer is that you
    continue to follow His leading and that you enter more fully into “the Rest of God” as you learn more & more to rest IN faith. please diligently study (Hebrews 4) as you continue to trust Him more and more. Love ya lots, Mom


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